Weaning

Nursing, 7 weeks old.

I love breastfeeding. I love feeling my son in my arms when he latches. I love his eye peeking up at me while he nurses. It feels so right, so normal. And it wasn't an easy start. I was constantly anxious about whether he would latch on this time, whether he would nurse enough, whether I was producing enough to sufficiently nourish him, and so on and so on. I told myself that if I could just make it to 6 months of nursing, I could pat myself on the back and feel accomplished. But in the end, he loved nursing, and I loved nursing. 23 months later, it has been a perfect symbiosis.

I've come to the point, however, where I've decided to wean. And it isn't a decision I've come to easily. It has at times made my heart heavy. In past months, I've started the process only to give in because in my heart, I just wasn't ready. But last week, I decided that it was time, for both of us, for a few reasons. I think in the past few months, my son sensed that the time was coming near, even apart from my talking to him about it. And this made him just want to nurse more, and cling to me more than usual. And I let him. Which meant very little down time for me. Like me trying to use the bathroom, carrying him, latched on to my breast. Like eating dinner by reaching around him as he is latched on. Like having to use the bathroom, or answer the phone, but not being able to move because he is sprawled across my stomach, latched on. And I struggled with the paradox of craving that closeness and resenting my lack of freedom of movement. I wasn't sure that I was even producing a lot of milk, I rarely felt full, even after an almost 12 hour work day away from him. What finally solidified my decision to wean in earnest was when, at 2 am, while trying to get my son to finally go to sleep, he bit my nipple and pulled on it, looking at me with a smile on his face. When I cried out in pain for him to stop, he just laughed (disclaimer: he was wired, without a nap, at 2 am). I pulled my shirt down, informed him that there would be no more "ah-da" (that's what he calls it) for the night and settled back in...until he reached over me and bit my other nipple, over my shirt! And he laughed. I brought him downstairs so that K could get him to sleep. And I decided that weaning time had arrived.

It has been five days now. I've decided that it would be a gradual wean over the course of the next four weeks, so that by the time his 2nd birthday arrives, he will be weaned. This week, I've only allowed nursing when we go to bed at night, and in bed first thing in the morning, before we get up. I wear bandaids over my nipples during the day. When le petit prince first saw the bandaids, he had this incredulous look on his face, accompanied by a small giggle, as if to say, "Are you kidding me?" But I thought it would help me stay firm in the midst of his protests if I had a concrete barrier to help. My main worry about weaning has been whether or not my son will be able to fall asleep without nursing, as that has been my main method of getting him to fall asleep.

The report so far: it has been going much more smoothly than I thought it would. Le petit prince has been pretty agreeable. The first day, when he saw the bandaids and laughed at my gumption, he whined a bit and protested and pulled and tugged at my shirt. And then eventually he settled for milk in his sippy cup. When it was time for a nap, he was upset and whined and cried a little about not nursing, but with my consoling and cuddling and rocking, he fell asleep within minutes. I nursed him at night. The next day, when he lifted my shirt and saw the bandaids again, he didn't even protest, he just put my shirt down and went about his business. He didn't ask to nurse for the entire day, nor even at night, and so I didn't offer it when it was time for bed, except for when I accidentally woke him up in the middle of the night changing positions. He was crying and I didn't want to possibly get engorged, so I went ahead and nursed him back to sleep. Another night, he woke up in the middle of the night and asked for milk (which he has been doing anyway on top of asking for ah-da) and used the milk to fall back asleep. And so we keep going, day by day. It hasn't been as painful a process for me as I thought it'd be. And I have to admit that there is even a part of me that is a little excited about having a little more freedom to move around. I am hoping that the weaning will lead to sleeping through the night, which sounds like Heaven!