Baby Steps

I have been a mother now for two weeks and this is what I have learned thus far:

I LOVE this baby. What a beauty (am I allowed to say that?). What a sweetheart. And when he smiles in his sleep, and I see the adorable dimple in his right cheek, my heart absolutely melts. It's my favorite sight. This week, he is beginning to respond to my cooing and adulation with a smile when awake, and that is thrilling.

Motherhood is a bit more frightening and nerve-inducing than I had expected, despite all the warnings from friends that my life will completely change. It is completely fulfilling and worth the hard work, but make no mistake, it is a lot of work, already, and he doesn't even talk yet! I think I thought I was going to be some guru Mother who had that instant knack for fulfilling all her baby's needs; instead I feel completely incompetent and like a failure at times. My Mom, Mother-in-law, and husband K all say I am being unnecessarily hard on myself, as always, but, I really do feel completely inadequate at times. The sound of my son crying has brought me to tears, literally, three times now, especially when nothing I do to calm him down works, although this week, I think I am getting better at finding little things that settle him down. My Mom says the baby may sense my nervousness and I should just relax. Easier said than done. Especially with the wobbly head, man that makes me nervous. I am getting better at accepting that this is a process and I am not expected to know all the answers, which I think is helping me to relax more, and perhaps maybe allowing the baby to relax with me more.

Breastfeeding, although natural, doesn't necessarily come naturally. And talk about feeling inadequate! In the beginning, I couldn't get him to latch on, and when he did, he would fall asleep within the first ten sucks or so. The lactation specialist at the hospital helped me out a lot by giving me a plastic nipple shield which helps to draw out my flat nipples so that there is more for the baby to latch onto, which helped take away some of my anxiety. And then I've rented a pump to help stimulate my milk flow, especially when the nursing is touch and go. He is now feeding much better on my breasts, but I still have to supplement with formula at times, and I always feel like I am failing somehow when I give him the formula, although it does allow K to share in the feeding, especially when I am beside myself from lack of sleep. The baby sometimes is completely satisfied with my milk and at other times, he doesn't seem to get full on my milk and still wants more, even though I've spent literally two straight hours nursing him, switching him from breast to breast and back again. I think I need to continue working on my milk flow, with more pumping and warm compresses. Everyone has told me it does take time to get the breastfeeding thing going, but to hang in there. I am hanging in there, but I am afraid that our baby will just be both a breast and formula guy (I try to hold off on the formula as long as I can). What is funny is that there is caution against introducing bottles in those first weeks of nursing, so as to avoid "nipple confusion" for the baby. Well, because I have a nipple shield, the baby sucks from a plastic nipple whether it's my breast or a bottle. I guess that's one way to avoid nipple confusion!

Changing diapers on a boy is tricky. He's peed up his back, he's peed down his leg onto me, he's sprayed up in the air when the diaper is off! It's a three ring circus at diaper time. I've now learned the importance of placing the penis down in the diaper, covering it when the diaper is off, and speed when changing. It's getting better.

This past week, my baby doesn't like sleep. Or rather, he doesn't like to sleep when I put him down in his bassinet. He will fall asleep in my arms, and then when I put him down, he wakes up within 10 minutes or less, more often within five minutes. Which means I am not getting much sleep at all. Not sure what it is, it is a new development. I feel like I am stuck to my chair. I place him down in his bassinet and then it's like some game show where I have to beat the clock. I have five minutes to do whatever I can before he is stirring again - go to the bathroom, check email, eat, grab a drink. It's a little crazy, and hopefully it's just a temporary phase.

I am sure there is more that I've forgotten, but the baby is stirring again, so off I go. This blog may prove to be more ambitious than my pregnancy blog, but I will try to post as often as I can. I haven't even set up the layout properly! Oh well!

I LOVE my baby!!!