The baby and I have joined K in NY for the first phase of our relocation from Vegas. I am filled with so many thoughts and feelings - anticipation, anxiety, excitement, nostalgia, sadness, and so on, the whole gamut. My life is going to change so much in so little time, and I feel like the only way to prepare is to not even think about it but just to go with the flow. I didn't expect to change as much as I have living in Vegas, and there is something empowering and validating about knowing that growth and change are still possible, no matter how old you are or where you are in life. I was walking down the steps to the subway and I felt like my old self, but at the same time I was fully aware that I'm not my old self. It was like putting on an old coat over a new body. Vegas gave me a new set of skills - mothering, driving, rehearsal directing, turning 40 (is that a skill?), being a new mom with K out on the road. There were challenges and I learned to face them head on and forge ahead. Ironically, I've come back to NY feeling completely out of NY shape, feeling like I have to resharpen the edges, put back on my game face. I had to remember to turn my ring around, wear my money under my coat, put on a mean face - there was a weird guy on the train who decided that he was going to stare at the man right next to me. He got right in his face and then pointed at him and kept staring at him. Then he moved on to another man and that man started waving his hands and backing away saying, "No man, I don't want any trouble!" I felt my fingers tighten around my umbrella handle and I had to resist the urge to get up and run to the next train car. Luckily, as I was about to stand up and get off the train, even though it wasn't my stop, the crazy man got off. I've realized how much I have relaxed in Vegas - you just don't have to figure in these things on the daily in Vegas. To the degree that Vegas is empty and sparse, NY is crowded, and really loud, I had forgotten. The weather has been dismal and damp and cold - kind of like the last time we were here in June - so I haven't been able to take the baby out and explore.
I've enjoyed seeing the baby interact with his family - he LOVES his Brothers and vice versa. It's nice having that constant interaction, and no matter what reservations may pop up about our return, it is exactly this family interaction that makes me feel that this is definitely the right move (literally) and this is the right time. I'm excited that we will be entering Fall, my favorite season overall and my favorite season in NY. I've had to leave the baby once with his Aunt and Grandma, and he cried but he survived. I was very anxious and rushed back home as soon as I could.
Another huge adjustment will be my return to working. I am excited but also a little anxious about how the baby will handle my absence for that length of time. Again, I am sure this is all good for him and it will be fine, but I still worry a little, separation anxiety and all (on my part).
It's been nice taking a break from the packing. I've been able to relax a little, and I've been snacking up a storm these past few days. Gearing up for the next phase, I guess.
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