The Nerves of Me

Every day, my emotional state travels from waking up feeling optimistic about being able to handle the day ahead with calm and grace to a small surge of nerves and anxiety midday to exhaustion in the afternoon to optimism again in the evening and finally sleep at night. I was trying to pin down exactly what I feel nervous about, other than the baby crying, and I believe it is the unpredictability of the newborn schedule. I tend to be a person who likes knowing that if I do A then I will get B every time. This is not how life with a newborn is - things change from day to day. Sometimes he'll be fine with my breast milk, other times he fusses and pushes away as if my milk isn't satisfying enough. Sometimes he sleeps 3 hours straight, other times he only sleeps for 30 minutes and then not again until late (although lately he is getting more consistent with sleeping more). And I think it is this irregularity that scares me for some reason, makes me feel like I gotta stay on my toes, like I may not be able to handle the unknown. And I know that's silly, and I try to relax, but some days it gets the better of me. I think this is exacerbated by the fact that so much is changing around me - K being away, Brooklyn being away, the show ending, not having much social interaction, the cast all spread out and moving on, the onus of relocating back to NY, the loneliness and isolation of Vegas. And it also doesn't help that I am dealing with car issues - sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes it doesn't when I am out and about (twice now - very scary!). So I don't feel completely comfortable getting out and running errands with the baby because we could get stranded somewhere, like we almost did two days in a row this week! I do have to say that I love being mobile with the baby.

K found out that he has a two-week layoff right in the middle of his 9 weeks away, which means he will be back in Vegas in 4 weeks or so, he will stay for 2 weeks, and then he's gone for 2 weeks. I am selfishly relieved, although it does mean 2 less weeks of work than he had calculated. But I can't wait to see him!

Today was a gorgeous day outside, so I took the baby out for a drive (to a Starbuck's Drive-Thru for hot cocoa and right back, so I didn't have to turn the car off once it started!) and a stroll and I really enjoyed it. I am going to make a point to go for daily strolls - good for the body and the spirit!